77 Funny Parenting Quotes That Will Make You Cry From Laughing

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Embarking on the rollercoaster ride of parenthood is undoubtedly one of life’s greatest adventures.

Between the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes, parenting leaves you with both heartwarming and chaotic moments. Amidst the daily challenges and parental burnout, finding the humor in the ups and downs can be a saving grace. In this blog post, I’m diving head first into the lighter side of parenting with a collection of funny parenting quotes. Hopefully you relate to some of them, and discover why humor is not just a coping mechanism but an essential ingredient in the beautiful chaos of parenting.

Funny parenting quotes for new parents

funny parenting quote for new parents - "Sleep at this point is just a concept...something to look forward to investigating in the future." - Amy Poehler
  1. “Sleep when your baby sleeps, everyone knows this classic tip. But I say, why stop there? Scream when your baby screams, take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl, and walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.” – Tina Fey
  2. “Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, ‘I can’t do this’.” – Ryan Reynolds
  3. “How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?” – Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby
  4. “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” – Olivia Wilde
  5. “‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.” – Jimmy Fallon
  6. “They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much.” – Jimmy Fallon
  7. “You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet…but it looks really cute.” – Ashton Kutcher
  8. “They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.” – Matthew McConaughey
  9. “They tell you that at this age, all they do is eat, sleep, and poop. And what I’ve learned is that they can do all three at the same time. Who knew?” – Josh Duhamel
  10. “Babies are amazing. They begin each day all warm and sleepy and smelling of promise.” – Julia Roberts
  11. “Sleep at this point is just a concept…something to look forward to investigating in the future.” – Amy Poehler
  12. “I used to be excellent. Now that I have a baby and I couldn’t tell you what day it is.” – Gwyneth Paltrow
  13. “My biggest parenting conundrum: Why is it so hard to put someone who is already sleepy to sleep?” – Chrissy Teigen
  14. “When you have a baby sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m.” – Jimmy Fallon
  15. “Let me give you some baby advice: You’re not going to do anything for the next six months.” – Channing Tatum
  16. “The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” – Paul Reiser
  17. “I’ve learned it’s way harder to be a baby. I haven’t thrown up since the ’90’s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” – Eva Mendes
  18. “Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate.” – Anne Lamott
  19. “No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.” – Amy Leslie
  20. “A crying baby is the best form of birth control.” – Carole Tabron
  21. “Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I’ve come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.” – Brad Pitt
  22. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” – Kevin Hart
  23. “People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.” – Leo Burke

Funny parenting quotes about raising kids

funny parenting quote about raising kids - "The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." - Lane Olinghouse
  1. “Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them, it’s for us?” – Alyson Hannigan
  2. “None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that?” – George Clooney
  3. “I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while.” – Tiffani Thiessen
  4. “A two year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  5. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
  6. “Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” – Ray Romano
  7. “When kids hit one-year-old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.” – Johnny Depp
  8. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours but at least the pay sucks.” – Jim Gaffigan
  9. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
  10. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse
  11. “Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.” – Phyllis Diller
  12. “Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” – Jenny McCarthy
  13. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
  14. “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” – Julia Roberts
  15. “I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.” – Jim Gaffigan
  16. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” – David Frost
  17. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner
  18. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood
  19. “Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.” – Amber Dusick
  20. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck
  21. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” – Conan O’Brien
  22. “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.” – Justin Timberlake
  23. “Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.” – Stephen Colbert
  24. “You have to be adaptable because they constantly keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” – Neil Patrick Harris
  25. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” – Mark Ruffalo
  26. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
  27. There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.” – Malcolm Kushner
  28. “Did you know, when kids go to bed, you can hear yourself think again? I sound fabulous.” – Paige Kellerman
  29. “The only thing kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents.” – John J. Plomp
  30. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” – Franklin P. Jones
  31. “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” – Anonymous
  32. “Parenting was much easier when I was raising my non-existent kid hypothetically.” – Anonymous
parents having fun with their children

Hilarious parenting quotes just for moms

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" - Milton Berle
  1. “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” – Chrissy Teigen
  2. “24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer.” – Jodi Picoult
  3. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos
  4. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
  5. “Motherhood is basically finding activities for children in three-hour pockets of time for the rest of your life.” – Mindy Kaling
  6. “It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role.” – Kerry Washington
  7. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – Betty White
  8. “Stop saying ‘we’re pregnant.’ You’re not pregnant. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady hole? No.” – Mila Kunis
  9. “Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying, ‘Da-da’ first.” – Mignon McLaughlin
  10. “Over the years I have learned that motherhood is much like an austere religious order, the joining of which obligates one to relinquish all claims to personal possessions.” – Nancy Stahl
  11. “I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” – Anonymous
  12. “It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” – Anonymous

Funny quotes about parenting just for dads

"Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth.  Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course." - Ryan Reynolds
  1. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
  2. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” – Ryan Reynolds
  3. “I [Facetime] sometimes from home. I’m just in the other room going, ‘Yeah, daddy misses you, but gotta watch the game.'” – Jimmy Fallon
  4. “Dads immediately fall in love with their little girls and will let them get away with everything. So moms are going to have to be the disciplinarians when it comes to daughters.” – Jimmy Fallon
  5. “To be a successful father, there is one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” – Ernest Hemingway
  6. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.'” – Jim Gaffigan
  7. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” – Steve Martin
  8. “Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really.” – Dave Barry
  9. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin
  10. “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.” – Ryan Reynolds

Parenting, with all its challenges and triumphs, becomes a little lighter when we can share a laugh.

I hope you enjoyed these funny parenting quotes and got some well-deserved laughs from them. Come back to these quotes on those stressful days where you’re wondering if this whole parenting thing is worth it and trying to get some date night ideas on the schedule. If you’re looking for some more inspiration, check out some be your best self quotes.

Please share any other funny parenting quotes that you enjoy in the comments below!

happy parents with their child, funny parenting

Here’s to the joy, the chaos, and the unmistakable hilarity of being a parent – one funny parenting quote at a time!

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